Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Well, I'm not dead yet, so I guess I'll post something.
During my antihistimine, insomnial induced delerium of the past couple of days it occurred to me that perhaps the reason the average american doesn't get why the war in Iraq was wrong is that he just can't relate to the situation. It's just too large for him to grasp. So I have boiled it down to a level that your average Bush League dittohead will readily be able to identify with. This is working with the current party line that we went in and invaded because Saddam Husein was an evil dictator and we were liberating Iraq and not anything to do with WMDs.
Ok. There are 3 guys. For our purposes we will call them Bubba, Jo Bob and Cletus.
Jo Bob walks up to Bubba one day and says: "Hey Bubba. I'm headin' over to Cletus's house this afternoon. I'm takin' my .45 and my shotgun and I'm gonna blow his face off 'cause he's beatin' on his wife and kids and that just ain't right. Git a couple a yer huntin rifles and come on with me."
Bubba says: "Now hol' on there, Jo Bob. Yer talkin' bout some serious goins on there. Fer one thing, you caint jes go inta some fellers house and shoot im in the face. An what if ya git in there shootin an miss Cletus an hit the Missus or one of the yunguns? Hadn't we otta call the Sherif an let him take care a this?"
Jo Bob looks at Bubba indignantly and says: "Hell no, son! I know what's right and I know how ta hannle it. What that ol boy needs is a shotgun shell between the horns and we's the folks ta do it! Now come on Bubba! Git yer guns and less go!"
Bubba looks back at Jo Bob and says: "Why don we jes call the Sherif, let im go in an size up the sicheeation. Maybe the Missus don want nobody comin in an shootin up her house. Maybe she'd be jes as happy if sombody come an hauled Cletus off so she an the yunguns could stay there peacable like."
Jo Bob is getting pissed now: "Bubba if you don beat all!! Hellfire and damnation boy! Is you a man or a mouse? A course she want's somebody ta come in an haul Cletus off an that's what I'm fixin to do! Guns blazin' like a man! There's only one way to take care a critters like Cletus, they only unnerstan one language. He beats on her an them kids somethin awful! How can you jes stan there an waste all this time? Why he could be in there right now a wackin on them kids. You wont that on yer conscience?"
Bubba crosses his arms: "I jes caint do it, Jo Bob. I jes caint go inta a man's own home, with his wife an kids an shoot up the place and kill him dead. At leas not until the Sherif had a chance to do it all legal like. Maybe if that didn work I'd take a rifle an go in with ya to haul Cletus out."
Jo Bob spits on Bubba's boots: "Well then screw you Bubba an the horse ya rode in on. Yer bout as useful as a bull wit tits. I'm goin over there an I'm gonna do what needs to be done. You can kiss my ass!"
So Jo Bob storms into the house, guns blazin. Cletus is out in the garage workin on his El Camino and hears the racket. He drops his rachet and runs out the back door into the woods behind the house. Mrs. Cletus and the kids were in the middle of lunch when they hear the gunshots. She grabs the children and hides under the table. Jo Bob fires down the hallway and a shot ricochets off the oven and hits the 5 year old. She's dead. The Mrs. Cletus is now screaming and the 1 year old is screaming and Jo Bob is heading upstairs firing away. He had to take a break on the landing to reload. After he has gone through the whole house he heads down the stairs, covered in plaster from what is left of the walls. Mrs. Cletus is sitting on the floor holding her dead daughter and her terrified son in her arms. She looks up at Jo Bob as he enters the kitchen. He looks down at her and says: "Hello Missus. No need ta thank me. I's jes doin what any red blooded merican man would do. You don have ta worry bout Cletus no more. I didn git him this time, he high tailed it out inta the woods, but I'll git im next time. In the mean time, though, I'll jes fix up his taxidermy shop in the attic and take that over for ya. That way you'll still have income for the yunguns there." And out he walks.
Mrs. Cletus picks up her dead child and her infant and follows him out. She screams at him: "What about my dead baby? What about our house? You shot it all up! We can't live here! There's no water! There's no food! There's just a big ol pile of metal and scrap where the fridge and pantry used to be!"
Jo Bob turns around and looks back at her, very confused: "Well, now Missus, I ain't got nuthin to do with all that. I came in an got rid a Cletus for ya. I's gonna get that taxidermy shop up an runnin again for ya. Ya caint spect more n that, now."
But Mrs. Cletus is having none of that: "You ran off my husband. You killed my daughter. You destroyed my house. That taxidermy shop ain't gonna cover none of that. You owe me an I'm gonna get mine back!"
So now Jo Bob heads back to Bubba: "I jes don unnerstan it, Bubba. Here I dun all these good deeds for this woman but still she's a hollerin I OWE her somethin. Runnin on about her house bein shot up and her kid bein dead. She don git that what I dun was a GOOD thing for her!"
Bubba looks at Jo Bob and says: "So now whachya gonna do, Jo Bob? Folks ain't gonna ignore this one. I believe yer gonna have to pony up, son"
Jo Bob looks back at Bubba: "Well, here's an idea. Now I'm gonna run that taxidermy shop for her an I can look after the money from that so's it can help pay for her an the younguns."
Bubba jumps in: "Yungun ya mean"
Jo Bob waves his hand dismissingly: "Yeah whatever. So what you can do is give me the money to fix everthin' back up agin and send some of yer fellers over to get the work done. Then everthin'll be back to rights agin."
Bubba asks: "So if I gives you this here money, yer gonna let me have a say in how it's spent and if I send my fellers over, I git ta have a say in how things is done, right."
Jo Bob laughs: "Oh hell no! I don't need no help with that, I jes need money and fellers."
Bubba looks back at Jo Bob like he grew another head right in front of his eyes: "HOSS! You jes ain't right in the head! Firs you don listen to me when I tell ya not to do such a damn fool thing in the firs place, then ya tell me to screw off an kiss yer ass, then you come back here an tell me I need to give you money an fellers without even so much as a yes or no in return?"
Jo Bob smiles: "YEAH! Now ya git it!"
Bubba just shakes his head and walks off laughing to the Wagon Wheel for a beer and some cheese fries.
posted by Unknown
at 10:42 AM ::
~#~
(0) comments
0 Comments:
